Merry Loss, Grief and Holiday Stress
The holidays are supposed to be a time of joy and togetherness, but for many of us they’re also a time where we remember who and what is missing in our lives. This year, even if your family hasn’t experienced a death, you’ve likely experienced loss of some sort. Processing loss, and the grief that accompanies it is hard at the best of times. Combined with holiday stress it can feel overwhelming. We’ve put together a few ideas to help your family cope with loss and grief this holiday season:
Acknowledge that loss looks different for us all. When we think about loss, we often focus on the death of loved ones, because it’s the most clear and final type of loss we can experience. Loss takes forms other than death: divorce, job loss, illness, or the end of a friendship to name a few. These losses mark a change in our life, or something that didn’t go the way we intended. They require time to grieve. A loss that might not be a big deal for you, like not being able to play school sports because of COVID-19 restrictions, might be a big deal for me, causing an intense emotional response. Recognizing the loss - any loss - for what it is, is an important first step to expressing healthy grief.
Grief is a natural reaction to loss. Grief is your internal response of thoughts and feelings that stem from a loss. If you love, you will also grieve. Feelings of shock, denial, disbelief, anger, confusion, guilt, regret, sadness and even relief are all normal. Grief gets more complicated when we feel like we can’t express those feelings, or when we somehow get pulled off track in our grief. To avoid unresolved grief from sneaking up on you later, allow yourself and your loved ones to express all the emotions associated with grief in a healthy way. Remember, grief is a normal process and the feelings involved aren’t good or bad, they just are.
Mourning is an intentional activity. It’s the outward expression of grief that helps us heal. We all grieve but we make the choice to mourn. The way we mourn is influenced by our culture, our community, and our own values. Right now, many of the ways we would traditionally choose to mourn a loss are restricted or changed due to COVID-19. Many of the non-death losses we might be experiencing, like the loss of our “normal” routine, the threat of financial insecurity, or even the ongoing loss of connections we once enjoyed, don’t have a mourning ritual attached. That can leave us feeling disconnected or even alone in our loss. Mourning looks different right now - virtual spaces, limits, and physical distance. Intentional mourning, even with restrictions helps maintain connection and positive mental health as we grieve.
Mourning loves company. That’s a good thing! At its core, mourning is the way we show up for one another in grief. It’s not just funerals and gatherings, it’s all the small things too - like bringing food to the bereaved or sending flowers and cards to let them know they are in your thoughts. Even under COVID-19 restrictions you can be a companion in grief for others by simply checking in. A phone call or message (even if you don’t know what to say) tells the person that you care. Though grief is deeply personal, mourning is a team sport.
Loss and grief are different for everyone, but none of us should have to manage it alone. If circumstances leave you feeling like you can’t talk to anyone about your loss, or you don’t have a mourning community to rely on, there are places you can find your grief companion. Many communities offer support groups for grief and loss, and help is available through your local mental health clinic, school, or community counselors. Hotlines, like the Kids Help Phone (1-800-668-6868) and websites like The Center for Loss and Life Transition are helpful resources for information and support. If you need immediate help, call 911.
In this unprecedented time, we are all doing our best. Take good care of yourself and the people you love this holiday season.